The concept of JUST stopping

I woke up not feeling very good about myself this morning.

This happens often, usually after I pulled frequently through the night. It is so hard to not to pull during the night. You really cannot control it as you're half asleep and do not realize you're even pulling. Then the next day you just feel awful, after you see the destruction you've done to your head. My bald spots haven't been this bad in a while. I have never had to wear such a thick headband, and it makes me really sad and disappointed in myself.
I am older, should I not be able to control pulling?
Should I not be trying harder...
 

I really don't know what I can do anymore.

 It's like I have pulled for so long that the action is so integrated that its just there....

I do try. I try and use those tricks and everything but then at the moment when I am really concentrating on something else, there goes that hand to my head, pulling. Before I even realize I have pulled a fair amount out. I think I should try to break behaviour, study in different places ect. Except now I am paranoid about going into public spaces as I am very self conscious about my hair now.

It just a constant, painful cycle.

And even after all these years, I feel my parents haven't fully grasp how hard it is to JUST stop. Especially my mother. She said that when I am home for the summer WE'RE going to grow my hair and get a cute hair cut at the end of the summer.

No.

I am not having my parents watch over me and comment every time my hand just touches my head.
It embarrasses me. It makes me feel constantly ashamed.
It's a terrible feeling being an adult and having your parents correct for something you don't even know how to stop yourself.

It hurts to know I am hurting them.

I know they want to see me with a full head of hair. I know that is there ultimate wish. And knowing that I think makes it worse. Because I try and when I fail I have that in the back of my mind, and I feel that I have failed them.
And I would never cut my hair short. I have been bullied once for that and I cannot do that again. I know my hair looks so stupid with the thick head band and the bun made of the hair at the back of my head which is thick and long.... basically a mullet. But I can stand that... I cannot stand having short hair all around.

I am really lost now.

I just want to reduce my hair pulling... and eventually stop. I feel that I need to stop, I'll be starting a career soon, getting married (?) and starting a family. But for some silly reason I can't seem to see these things happening if I don't stop pulling my hair.
And my worst fear, what if one day my hair doesn't grow back because I have damaged it beyond repair?

Almost A Decade

Its almost been a decade since I started pulling out my hair.

I am turning 19 and 19 here means a lot. It means I can purchase alcohol and go out to bars and clubs. It means I have more responsibility.

I should be having the time of my life, isn't that what people say about their 20's?

I shouldn't be worried or anxious about this birthday. All I am picturing is going out to these bars and clubs with all these girls around me who have their hair flowing down their backs and then me, with my large headband and bun. Those girls will be the one pursued my the boys, me, not so much. I mean I know how to live my life, I don't want my Trich stopping be from having fun. I'll have fun, but that image with always be in the back of my mind.

Its always there, knowing I look different, out of place.

I shouldn't be anger with myself for letting another year past by, I should be celebrating. I just do not feel that I deserve celebration.

I know I am privileged. I have a great life. Truly. I have the best parents, a great brother, a wonderful home, the opportunity to attend University and so much more.

And I truly am so grateful and happy that I have all this.

But no matter how much I think of how blessed I am I still feel this

hole in my heart.  

This hole is filled with empty sadness.

I can imagine the person I could be with hair, all the things I do now but I'll do them with more confidence and willingness.

It frustrates and angers me that I have let Trich beat me for 10 years.
I wake up every morning wanting so hard to beat it, but it wins.
I want this upcoming year to be different. I don't want it to control me anymore. I have to try harder. I know I haven't been trying as much as I wish I could. I know all the tricks and therapies I can be doing, I do some occasionally. I don't know why I don't use them more. I got to pull out my "bag of tools" again and start fresh.
I can to this.
I can try harder.
I got to keep

FIGHTING.

Reality vs Wishes

Each night I go to bed thinking tomorrow will be better, I'll fight harder, I'll try harder. I start out great in the morning, going through my daily, tedious routine of getting ready (mainly doing my hair so it is acceptably covers what I don't want people to see). Its by 10-11 am that I start to pull, at first I don't notice, but I eventually do. And that's the worst feeling, the feeling of failure. You stop, you move on with your day. Then later in the evening, the hardest time, you're studying and you're pulling again. You stop, try a "tool" to distract but you eventually have to study again, and up goes the hand for the kill. You look in the mirror, you see no improvements even if you think you're pulling less. I wear a tight, large headband over the front half of my hair. The back is full, the middle is growing back but the front is awful. It's thin and there doesn't seem to be hair growing back. You think that after a week of trying you hardest you'll see some growth. Then your worst fear pops into your mind, "what is you pulled so much and damaged your hair beyond repair so it will never grow back?". You think that would motivate you to stop pulling, but your hand is sneaky. I mean, I try, I try all the tools. I can try harder, I am just so stuck in this pattern. And I was so desperately to stop, to let my hair grow. Wouldn't it just be amazing if there were instant results. But that's too easy. If I want it I got to fight for it. Be strong, one urge at a time <3

P.s. Thank you for reading my blog. Thank you for your comments, I read them and I smile. Together we can beat Trich!

New Ideas

I was given a set of new ideas today.
- gel finger nails, said to have worked well for those with dermatillomania, will have to try it out when this semester is over.
- buying colouring books, but adult ones. So when I need to take a break when studying because I am pulling my hair that is an easy relaxer.
- picking at stitching or something related to that... still thinking out the details.

Will give these a try. I need to focus and actually try, I feel sometimes that I have just accepted but I don't want to accept, I want to beat it.

Grey's Anatomy Season 9 Ep 11

So the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy had a girl with trichotillomania in it! The episode was called 'The End is the Beginning is The End'
http://www.ctv.ca/GreysAnatomy.aspx?vp=129596
The girl was quiet and shy and worked hard a school. She didn't have bald spots, she had a full head of hair which is okay, but I would have liked it if she did. But of course, us Trichsters do whatever we can to hide our damage. This girl ate her hair and had to have surgery. After the surgery there was a good dialect about Trichotillomania, which I approve.
So what will this mean for us? I wonder if my friend's will pick up on it. One of them did. But I think because the girl didn't have bald spots/ wearing a headband maybe people won't connect it.
The word about Trichotillomania is spreading.
Sometimes I don't want people to know, I like to be under the radar and not draw attention to myself.
On the other had, I want people to know about it, to understand, and accept.

New Years

New Years Eves always make me sad. It just reminds me how I failed, yet again, to accomplish my goal of stop pulling my hair. And yet again, I make a new years resolution to stop pulling. Then the next day I pull, and give up, just to add to the disappointment.
I should make better goals. I need to stop thinking about a new year as a failure but as a new opportunity to do better and try harder. I'm going to make small goals for myself. A counsellor once told me that it takes 30 days to break a habit. That was 4 years ago which was the last time I went pull free for a long time. So let me do this again! I am going to start with half a day goals and work my way up to 30 days. LETS DO THIS :)

Emptyness

Sometimes I just feel so helpless. So lost.
I am struggling with my belief in God. I am a Christian. And I do believe that somebody is listening to my prays and helping me. Other times I feel nothing.
Sometimes I feel God around me. And then sometimes I feel empty. And that hurts because I know I shouldn't feel that way at all. I am blessed with amazing friends and loving parents. I attend University and getting an education. I have shelte. I have more than enough food. But I feel empty.
I am a person who likes to have a plan. I am okay with the idea that God has a plan for me. But why is Trichoillomania in the plan when there's no cure. There's nothing. Is there always hope?
My friend, after I had a breakdown at church, told me that sometimes we don't understand the workings of God and that all we can have is trust for him and his will. The Pastor gave an incredible message that Sunday. Don't let fear contol your belief. But with God, conquer your fear. He'll always be there for you. And I know some people reading this may not believe in God and that's fine. Just I don't know how you can go through something like this without Him. Let you faith contol your fear.
Its a long recovery.
That's the sentence I have been hearing a lot lately. Thank you, I already knew that.
Long recovery.
There's no recovery. How can I stop something that most times I have no control over.
I want so desperately to stop.
So desperately. But I can't find a will. How can I want to stop pulling but not be able. Where's my strength to conquer? And that's when I feel empty.