Reality vs Wishes

Each night I go to bed thinking tomorrow will be better, I'll fight harder, I'll try harder. I start out great in the morning, going through my daily, tedious routine of getting ready (mainly doing my hair so it is acceptably covers what I don't want people to see). Its by 10-11 am that I start to pull, at first I don't notice, but I eventually do. And that's the worst feeling, the feeling of failure. You stop, you move on with your day. Then later in the evening, the hardest time, you're studying and you're pulling again. You stop, try a "tool" to distract but you eventually have to study again, and up goes the hand for the kill. You look in the mirror, you see no improvements even if you think you're pulling less. I wear a tight, large headband over the front half of my hair. The back is full, the middle is growing back but the front is awful. It's thin and there doesn't seem to be hair growing back. You think that after a week of trying you hardest you'll see some growth. Then your worst fear pops into your mind, "what is you pulled so much and damaged your hair beyond repair so it will never grow back?". You think that would motivate you to stop pulling, but your hand is sneaky. I mean, I try, I try all the tools. I can try harder, I am just so stuck in this pattern. And I was so desperately to stop, to let my hair grow. Wouldn't it just be amazing if there were instant results. But that's too easy. If I want it I got to fight for it. Be strong, one urge at a time <3

P.s. Thank you for reading my blog. Thank you for your comments, I read them and I smile. Together we can beat Trich!

New Ideas

I was given a set of new ideas today.
- gel finger nails, said to have worked well for those with dermatillomania, will have to try it out when this semester is over.
- buying colouring books, but adult ones. So when I need to take a break when studying because I am pulling my hair that is an easy relaxer.
- picking at stitching or something related to that... still thinking out the details.

Will give these a try. I need to focus and actually try, I feel sometimes that I have just accepted but I don't want to accept, I want to beat it.

Grey's Anatomy Season 9 Ep 11

So the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy had a girl with trichotillomania in it! The episode was called 'The End is the Beginning is The End'
http://www.ctv.ca/GreysAnatomy.aspx?vp=129596
The girl was quiet and shy and worked hard a school. She didn't have bald spots, she had a full head of hair which is okay, but I would have liked it if she did. But of course, us Trichsters do whatever we can to hide our damage. This girl ate her hair and had to have surgery. After the surgery there was a good dialect about Trichotillomania, which I approve.
So what will this mean for us? I wonder if my friend's will pick up on it. One of them did. But I think because the girl didn't have bald spots/ wearing a headband maybe people won't connect it.
The word about Trichotillomania is spreading.
Sometimes I don't want people to know, I like to be under the radar and not draw attention to myself.
On the other had, I want people to know about it, to understand, and accept.

New Years

New Years Eves always make me sad. It just reminds me how I failed, yet again, to accomplish my goal of stop pulling my hair. And yet again, I make a new years resolution to stop pulling. Then the next day I pull, and give up, just to add to the disappointment.
I should make better goals. I need to stop thinking about a new year as a failure but as a new opportunity to do better and try harder. I'm going to make small goals for myself. A counsellor once told me that it takes 30 days to break a habit. That was 4 years ago which was the last time I went pull free for a long time. So let me do this again! I am going to start with half a day goals and work my way up to 30 days. LETS DO THIS :)

Emptyness

Sometimes I just feel so helpless. So lost.
I am struggling with my belief in God. I am a Christian. And I do believe that somebody is listening to my prays and helping me. Other times I feel nothing.
Sometimes I feel God around me. And then sometimes I feel empty. And that hurts because I know I shouldn't feel that way at all. I am blessed with amazing friends and loving parents. I attend University and getting an education. I have shelte. I have more than enough food. But I feel empty.
I am a person who likes to have a plan. I am okay with the idea that God has a plan for me. But why is Trichoillomania in the plan when there's no cure. There's nothing. Is there always hope?
My friend, after I had a breakdown at church, told me that sometimes we don't understand the workings of God and that all we can have is trust for him and his will. The Pastor gave an incredible message that Sunday. Don't let fear contol your belief. But with God, conquer your fear. He'll always be there for you. And I know some people reading this may not believe in God and that's fine. Just I don't know how you can go through something like this without Him. Let you faith contol your fear.
Its a long recovery.
That's the sentence I have been hearing a lot lately. Thank you, I already knew that.
Long recovery.
There's no recovery. How can I stop something that most times I have no control over.
I want so desperately to stop.
So desperately. But I can't find a will. How can I want to stop pulling but not be able. Where's my strength to conquer? And that's when I feel empty.

How it could affect things......

Okay, so I have to wear a head band. Like it is not possible for me not to unless you want to see bald spots. Personally I rather people wonder what is underneath the head band than we starred at all day. For the first time this might be an issue. The program that I am in usually doesn't allow the wearing of head bands as it is not professional. So this week I will have to go talk to a prof and tell her my situation. Hopefully this won't be an issue.
But now I am thinking of the future and how this might be a reoccuring problem. I just don't want this to have control over my career.

Future.....?

Have you ever just thought, "this time next year I'll have a full head of hair" and all the sudden its been a year and you're still pulling.... Of course. We've all been there.
When I was 14, for the whole school year I stopped pulling. Just stopped. I don't know why, I definately don't know how. I just did and my hair grew in. It was amazing. I loved it. I got my hair cut at the hairdressers and I felt good about myself. I wish that would happen to me again, that I would just stop.
I think about the future and I see a woman with thick, long, gorgeous hair who confident and is happy. That's what I think of my future. I keep waiting. But nothing is happening. I am not becoming that woman.
It's hard to live in the present. Because living in the present means you have to actually acknoledge Trich. Its better just to think about the 'woman' that I want to be. I catch myself thinking that I'll do things when I have hair or when I stop pulling. But what if I never stop? That terrifies me. I don't want to be this person for the rest of my life, but I can't seem to stop pulling.
What about a boyfriend... or maybe a husband (in the very distant future)?
I don't want somebody to have to date somebody with a problem like mine. It's not for me to decide. But what if they can't handle it. How hurt would I be? Extremely. I don't even think I could recover from that.
Why me? There are worse problems out there but this just eats away inside of you. Its hard living with Trich. And too often it hurts.