Thursday 11 April 2013

The concept of JUST stopping

I woke up not feeling very good about myself this morning.

This happens often, usually after I pulled frequently through the night. It is so hard to not to pull during the night. You really cannot control it as you're half asleep and do not realize you're even pulling. Then the next day you just feel awful, after you see the destruction you've done to your head. My bald spots haven't been this bad in a while. I have never had to wear such a thick headband, and it makes me really sad and disappointed in myself.
I am older, should I not be able to control pulling?
Should I not be trying harder...
 
I really don't know what I can do anymore.


 It's like I have pulled for so long that the action is so integrated that its just there....

I do try. I try and use those tricks and everything but then at the moment when I am really concentrating on something else, there goes that hand to my head, pulling. Before I even realize I have pulled a fair amount out. I think I should try to break behaviour, study in different places ect. Except now I am paranoid about going into public spaces as I am very self conscious about my hair now.
It just a constant, painful cycle.


And even after all these years, I feel my parents haven't fully grasp how hard it is to JUST stop. Especially my mother. She said that when I am home for the summer WE'RE going to grow my hair and get a cute hair cut at the end of the summer.
No.
I am not having my parents watch over me and comment every time my hand just touches my head.
It embarrasses me. It makes me feel constantly ashamed.
It's a terrible feeling being an adult and having your parents correct for something you don't even know how to stop yourself.
It hurts to know I am hurting them.
I know they want to see me with a full head of hair. I know that is there ultimate wish. And knowing that I think makes it worse. Because I try and when I fail I have that in the back of my mind, and I feel that I have failed them.
And I would never cut my hair short. I have been bullied once for that and I cannot do that again. I know my hair looks so stupid with the thick head band and the bun made of the hair at the back of my head which is thick and long.... basically a mullet. But I can stand that... I cannot stand having short hair all around.
I am really lost now.
I just want to reduce my hair pulling... and eventually stop. I feel that I need to stop, I'll be starting a career soon, getting married (?) and starting a family. But for some silly reason I can't seem to see these things happening if I don't stop pulling my hair.
And my worst fear, what if one day my hair doesn't grow back because I have damaged it beyond repair?

7 comments:

  1. Hi Sara,

    My name is Catie and I'm 18, a freshman in college. I, like you, have Trich and I've had it since I was in third grade, so it has also been 10 years for me. There was a point where I was so close to bald, other kids asked if I had cancer (because when you're 7-8, you don't understand that HAVING cancer isn't what makes your hair fall about. It's all of the treatments). The pulling started when I started getting really stressed and my hair started falling out on its own. And so I just made it worse by pulling. But we both know the difficulty of stopping.

    My pulling has reduced over the years and I believe that you can do the same! You've already had the strength to accept the fact that you have Trich. That is the first step. Now, you just have to take the second step. I recommend finding something else to focus on.

    I believe in you, Sara!

    -Catie

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  2. Hi Sara,

    I'm a freshman in highschool, and I have had trich too. I've been asked about having cancer when I was younger as well.
    Well, anyways, I know its hard to stop. But DONT let trich dictate how you live your life. I know im a guy and i probably dont understand this confidence thing, but in reality, its your attitude and look on daily life that changes everything. So whatever you dont let something like this stop you. Like me.
    You can do it!

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  3. I can completely relate to this. My pulling almost stopped when I was 10 and my mum completely shaved my head. However, I am doing my A levels at the moment in lower 6th (I know in America grades work differently so I'm 17) and its worse than ever. I have been pulling my hair since I was about 5 but before that I used to pull out my eyelashes and occasionally still do. When I started secondary school everyone thought I had cancer and I found it very difficult trying to get through to my fellow students that cancer wasn't the only thing that caused hair lose. I've just started a blog about my trich and my experiences and about some treatment that I am about to start that involves a hair weave that stops you from being able to pull. I'm excited to see if it works.

    Hattie.

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  4. and that's my worst fear as well.. I have been doing it for 15 years now.. what if it never grows back as it should...

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  5. I have it to. It started when I was 5 now I'm 22

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  6. I can relate to this so much. I've been so scared the past week...the pulling has gotten worse and the bald spots have never been this big. My parents don't understand at all and it hurts when your own family thinks your problem is that you have no self-control.

    Anyway. Thanks for sharing your story with us...you're not alone. *hug*

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