Almost A Decade

Its almost been a decade since I started pulling out my hair.

I am turning 19 and 19 here means a lot. It means I can purchase alcohol and go out to bars and clubs. It means I have more responsibility.

I should be having the time of my life, isn't that what people say about their 20's?

I shouldn't be worried or anxious about this birthday. All I am picturing is going out to these bars and clubs with all these girls around me who have their hair flowing down their backs and then me, with my large headband and bun. Those girls will be the one pursued my the boys, me, not so much. I mean I know how to live my life, I don't want my Trich stopping be from having fun. I'll have fun, but that image with always be in the back of my mind.

Its always there, knowing I look different, out of place.

I shouldn't be anger with myself for letting another year past by, I should be celebrating. I just do not feel that I deserve celebration.

I know I am privileged. I have a great life. Truly. I have the best parents, a great brother, a wonderful home, the opportunity to attend University and so much more.

And I truly am so grateful and happy that I have all this.

But no matter how much I think of how blessed I am I still feel this

hole in my heart.  

This hole is filled with empty sadness.

I can imagine the person I could be with hair, all the things I do now but I'll do them with more confidence and willingness.

It frustrates and angers me that I have let Trich beat me for 10 years.
I wake up every morning wanting so hard to beat it, but it wins.
I want this upcoming year to be different. I don't want it to control me anymore. I have to try harder. I know I haven't been trying as much as I wish I could. I know all the tricks and therapies I can be doing, I do some occasionally. I don't know why I don't use them more. I got to pull out my "bag of tools" again and start fresh.
I can to this.
I can try harder.
I got to keep

FIGHTING.

Reality vs Wishes

Each night I go to bed thinking tomorrow will be better, I'll fight harder, I'll try harder. I start out great in the morning, going through my daily, tedious routine of getting ready (mainly doing my hair so it is acceptably covers what I don't want people to see). Its by 10-11 am that I start to pull, at first I don't notice, but I eventually do. And that's the worst feeling, the feeling of failure. You stop, you move on with your day. Then later in the evening, the hardest time, you're studying and you're pulling again. You stop, try a "tool" to distract but you eventually have to study again, and up goes the hand for the kill. You look in the mirror, you see no improvements even if you think you're pulling less. I wear a tight, large headband over the front half of my hair. The back is full, the middle is growing back but the front is awful. It's thin and there doesn't seem to be hair growing back. You think that after a week of trying you hardest you'll see some growth. Then your worst fear pops into your mind, "what is you pulled so much and damaged your hair beyond repair so it will never grow back?". You think that would motivate you to stop pulling, but your hand is sneaky. I mean, I try, I try all the tools. I can try harder, I am just so stuck in this pattern. And I was so desperately to stop, to let my hair grow. Wouldn't it just be amazing if there were instant results. But that's too easy. If I want it I got to fight for it. Be strong, one urge at a time <3

P.s. Thank you for reading my blog. Thank you for your comments, I read them and I smile. Together we can beat Trich!

New Ideas

I was given a set of new ideas today.
- gel finger nails, said to have worked well for those with dermatillomania, will have to try it out when this semester is over.
- buying colouring books, but adult ones. So when I need to take a break when studying because I am pulling my hair that is an easy relaxer.
- picking at stitching or something related to that... still thinking out the details.

Will give these a try. I need to focus and actually try, I feel sometimes that I have just accepted but I don't want to accept, I want to beat it.