Saturday 1 December 2012

Emptyness

Sometimes I just feel so helpless. So lost.
I am struggling with my belief in God. I am a Christian. And I do believe that somebody is listening to my prays and helping me. Other times I feel nothing.
Sometimes I feel God around me. And then sometimes I feel empty. And that hurts because I know I shouldn't feel that way at all. I am blessed with amazing friends and loving parents. I attend University and getting an education. I have shelte. I have more than enough food. But I feel empty.
I am a person who likes to have a plan. I am okay with the idea that God has a plan for me. But why is Trichoillomania in the plan when there's no cure. There's nothing. Is there always hope?
My friend, after I had a breakdown at church, told me that sometimes we don't understand the workings of God and that all we can have is trust for him and his will. The Pastor gave an incredible message that Sunday. Don't let fear contol your belief. But with God, conquer your fear. He'll always be there for you. And I know some people reading this may not believe in God and that's fine. Just I don't know how you can go through something like this without Him. Let you faith contol your fear.
Its a long recovery.
That's the sentence I have been hearing a lot lately. Thank you, I already knew that.
Long recovery.
There's no recovery. How can I stop something that most times I have no control over.
I want so desperately to stop.
So desperately. But I can't find a will. How can I want to stop pulling but not be able. Where's my strength to conquer? And that's when I feel empty.

Monday 26 November 2012

How it could affect things......

Okay, so I have to wear a head band. Like it is not possible for me not to unless you want to see bald spots. Personally I rather people wonder what is underneath the head band than we starred at all day. For the first time this might be an issue. The program that I am in usually doesn't allow the wearing of head bands as it is not professional. So this week I will have to go talk to a prof and tell her my situation. Hopefully this won't be an issue.
But now I am thinking of the future and how this might be a reoccuring problem. I just don't want this to have control over my career.

Tuesday 2 October 2012

Future.....?

Have you ever just thought, "this time next year I'll have a full head of hair" and all the sudden its been a year and you're still pulling.... Of course. We've all been there.
When I was 14, for the whole school year I stopped pulling. Just stopped. I don't know why, I definately don't know how. I just did and my hair grew in. It was amazing. I loved it. I got my hair cut at the hairdressers and I felt good about myself. I wish that would happen to me again, that I would just stop.
I think about the future and I see a woman with thick, long, gorgeous hair who confident and is happy. That's what I think of my future. I keep waiting. But nothing is happening. I am not becoming that woman.
It's hard to live in the present. Because living in the present means you have to actually acknoledge Trich. Its better just to think about the 'woman' that I want to be. I catch myself thinking that I'll do things when I have hair or when I stop pulling. But what if I never stop? That terrifies me. I don't want to be this person for the rest of my life, but I can't seem to stop pulling.
What about a boyfriend... or maybe a husband (in the very distant future)?
I don't want somebody to have to date somebody with a problem like mine. It's not for me to decide. But what if they can't handle it. How hurt would I be? Extremely. I don't even think I could recover from that.
Why me? There are worse problems out there but this just eats away inside of you. Its hard living with Trich. And too often it hurts.

Wednesday 26 September 2012

New Start, New Counselor

I decided to take my university up on the free student services. I decided to see a couselor again.
I am going to share with you all what we are working on. Maybe it coud work for you too.

I usually pull my hair out because I am anxious.
Therefore, this past week I was to write in a diary and rate my anxiety on a scale of 1-10.
 Here's what I was to write:
  • Before the day begins: What I think I'll be anxious about that day and what I think my anxiety level will be.
  • Before beginning the activity that I think I will be anxious about, I write down what my anxiety is.
  • After I reflect on what my anxiety was and how quickly it progressed.
This week I am to still write about all of the above but after the activity I am to write about the ways I helped calm myself downs afterwards (i.e. the "tools" I used)

This has helped me reflect on when/ how my anxiety/ hair pulling is triggered.

Friday 14 September 2012

Surviving University!

Hey Everybody,

I know I haven't posted in awhile, I've been busy with frosh week activities at University and trying to get my schedule sorted out. My main concern about coming to University was that I wouldn't know what to do with my time as I thought I had a lot of free time. Well, I didn't need to worry about that. Between classes, keeping up with the readings, and the gym I am busy. Which I love, beause it keeps me distracted. Weekends are the time I can relax with friends, which I am making! The first week, it was so busy I thought I wasn't making friends, but once classes started that wasn't the case. Because I am so busy I don't really notice I have been pulling much, which is great. That might change though when things get more stressful. I am going to see the councillor today, because its free. So many they can help me through those stressful times. I haven't had a counciller in 3 years, so this will be nice.

Tuesday 21 August 2012

Support Me!!! :)

Please support me as I take part in the Hands-Down- a-Thon and try to go 2 months without pulling!!
 http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/sarahhand/2012-hands-down-a-thon

Monday 13 August 2012

Boy Troubles

When you first see me, you cannot tell I have Trich. It's not the obvious and I hide it very well. But after awhile you might notice I wear a head band every day or I try to change the subjects when you mention my hair. You may notice I am very self concious about my hair and my looks.

I think I'm a pretty girl or I would be if I had hair. And I am pretty easy to talk to. So guys talk to be. Its great the first time. After awhile I completely freak out. Who would want me? I don't want to push by problem on somebody else and it would be nice to have a boyfriend. I mean, I never had one. I haven't even had my first kiss for crying out loud! And I blame it all on Trich. Trich can control everything. It sucks.

Friday 3 August 2012

Update....August 2012

At this stage in my life with Trich I am doing... what's the right word... Stable? I mean, I still pull occasionally but its not enough to show. My hair is growing back slowing. It's mostly the front that is damaged, and recovering slowly. I wear a headband everyday. The back of my hair is full, almost shoulder length, I just pull it back in a bun. I am getting nervous, I am on summer break which it why I am doing okay. However, I am starting university in the fall and I am worried that I am going to start pulling more and what people will think. It's just another mountain I'm going to have to climb.

Tuesday 31 July 2012

New Article: Olivia Munn


By Sami K. Martin , Christian Post Contributor
July 30, 2012|8:37 am

Olivia Munn has had a successful career in the entertainment industry, but that doesn't prevent her from having anxiety. The 32-year-old actress recently revealed that she suffers from clinical anxiety and trichotillomania, a disorder that causes her to pull out her eyelashes.

"I don't bite my nails, but I rip out my eyelashes," Munn told New York Daily News. "It doesn't hurt, but it's really annoying. Every time I run out of the house, I have to stop and pick up a whole set of fake eyelashes."
Munn has also opened up about her abusive stepfather, whom she refers to only as "the Devil." He was verbally abusive and critical of the youngster's every move.
"He would always say, 'you're not smart enough, pretty enough. You have no talent,' and it would knock me down, but it wouldn't keep me down," she told Ocean Drive magazine.
His words helped fuel her passion for acting but also could have contributed to Munn's psychological conditions, especially given that she was responsible for helping keep her siblings distracted during his tirades.
"I would hustle everybody into my room and launch into imitations of teachers or do scenes from movies … and that would take their minds off of the hell that was happening down the hall," Munn explained.
Follow us
Now Munn has a successful career in both film and TV. She recently starred in the summer's hit "Magic Mike" and has a recurring role on HBO's hit drama, "The Newsroom." That success, however, does not alleviate her personal anxiety.
"I know how lucky I am, but I won't allow myself to get sucked in by all the talk. Talk is just for a moment. This career has to last for a long time. I'm aligning myself with people like Jon Stewart, Aaron Sorkin, Steven Soderbergh, and Paul Schneider so that this recent success won't be temporary," Munn explained.
"People tell me, 'Your work won't keep you warm at night.' But it does pay for my heat and down comforter, so it technically does," she added.
Read more at http://global.christianpost.com/news/olivia-munn-reveals-struggle-with-anxiety-trichotillomania-after-abuse-79088/#JZpGKwjoVtOoc8ty.99http://global.christianpost.com/news/olivia-munn-reveals-struggle-with-anxiety-trichotillomania-after-abuse-79088/

Tuesday 17 July 2012

To my Australian Readers!!

How many of you read my little article in DOLLY magazine? It felt so great to tell my story :)

A Daily Routine

I hate my every day routine.
I wish I could just go out in public without having to make sure my hair is decent.
So of course, I have to take a shower. I then put mousse in my hair, blow dry it then apply hair spray, blow dry it again so the new growing hair doesn't stick up. What sucks is I pull from the front and the back of my hair is full and long. I basically have a mullet with bald spots. Lovely. So in attempt to make  my hair look semi normal, I put the back in a bun and put on a headband to cover the front. Depending on if my hair is cooperating this could take between 10- 30 mins. Sometimes my hair doesn't cooperate and I just get so fustrated because I am unable to hide a bald spot and then I jsut feel awful the whole day.

I dream of the day where I don't have to do this anymore. I can wake up, brush my hair a few times and go outside without a care in the world.

Trichster Film


Hey followers!
Please check out this website and if you can, donate to the cause! It will be very beneficial!
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1024153773/trichster
P.S I cried watching the short clip....
http://kck.st/NuVLD0

Wednesday 27 June 2012

The Uncontrollable Night

Have you ever woken up and realized you've been pulling your hair for what seems like a long time. For some reason the majority of my hair pulling happens a night.
Often I suddenly wake up and realize that I've been pulling.
Other times I'm half awake and it takes  a lot of energy to stop pulling.
In the morning, my head is sore and head.
Then all of a sudden you realize the front of your head is thinning.
Sometimes, I can't remember if I actually pulled the night before or if it was a dream.
It's hard because you not really awake and you can't stop yourself immediately and you feel horrible in the morning.
It's really awful because you literally cannot control it.

Thursday 7 June 2012

Big Step for me

When I was 11.
This is a big step for me. I am going to share some photos of hair from back in the day.

















 
When I was 12

Monday 4 June 2012

Pictures

I HATE TAKING PICTURES. I do not want to be reminded in the future of my hair pulling or that time where I was nearly bald. I don't want to look at pictures of me next to girls with thick, beautiful hair. IT DOES NOT HELP. I do not want to see myself. I know I look bad, I do not need proof.

Awkward Teacher Moment

I go to a boarding school and the students and teachers are pretty close. I was standing in chapel and my friend's step Dad who works at the school start picking something off my headband. I thought he was actually picking something off and I was a little self conscious but I knew he only wanted to help. But then he pull my headband down a little. Then I knew he was teasing me, which he often does... in a caring way. But that was UN CALLED FOR! He knows about my hair pulling. Gosh, practically the entire school does. So then I say "stop" quite loudly. Pull away. I think he knew I was really upset. Another teacher was staring at me. I got a bit upset and almost cried. But JEEZ WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT! I was humiliated.

Saturday 12 May 2012

Picking Skin

In the past year I have realized that I have begun to pick my skin. I will stand in front of my mirror picking my spots or scabs. Gross, I know. But its true. Now I have scars and my acne is worse than it used to be. I mean, I used to have clear skin. But I prefer to pick my skin than to pull my hair. At least its more socially acceptable to have bad skin to have bald spots.
Self harm is not cool.

Prom

How typical teenage girl of me to be worried about prom.... but its really worrying me.
I have had exams this Month, a total of 15 exams. It has been stressing me out. I haven't been pulling as much as I thought I would but still... my thin spots are thinning.
It's really hard to cover up my thin spots on the side and I need a really thick head band. So how the heck am I going to style my hair for prom??
I've been researching "up-dos with thick headbands" and the outcome is not the best. I am really worried about going to a hair dresser. I haven't been to one in 4 years. My plan is to call a local hairdresser and book an appointment way before prom. I think I will talk to her, tell her about my hair pulling and try to think of hair styles with her. It really sucks that I have to do this.
All my friends are getting exciting about hair styles and what they are going to do. Well, there isn't much I can do. And I have to spend time stressing about it. The worst part is I am going to have pictures from this night and years to come I'll be looking at them with regret.
Regret that I didn't meet my goal of having thick, style-able hair by prom.
Regret that I spent my years of high school worrying about my hair.
I even regret looking at my grad pictures. It's just a constant reminder of my hair pulling filled life.

:(

Monday 7 May 2012

Feeling left out

I often feel as if I am not fully participating in average teenage girl activities. This sounds selfish and ridiculous is comparison to real world problems. Anyway, in my small teenage girl mind its traumatizing.

1. When all the girls get ready for a formal evening. Them, "OMGOSH! I am going to do my hair like this!" or "Omgosh, my hair is so staticky" or "Omgosh, my hair takes so long to straighten/ curl"
Me: "Well, I am just going to put my hair up in a bun with a nicer headband, hopefully my bald spots won't show as much."


2. When they want to do a photo shoot.
Them, "Omgosh, this angle, this angle!"
Me, "Nope, just gonna stick with this angle, maybe my hair won't look so thin." or "Darn, I have to remember another time where I have thin hair while all my friends have gorgeous, perfect hair."


3. Pool Party
Them, "Hahaha! Don't splash me! Oh, my hair is wet! Now it will be freezy!"
Me, "I get ear infections when I swim, I am just gonna sit this one out." As you sit on the side looking at how much fun they are having.


4. At the cottage/ beach
I try to avoid all situations in which I have to get wet. It doesn't work when people are splashing and jumping in around you. You kinda look like somebody who rather  be somewhere else.

Any moments in life you feel you don't fully get to participate in....?????


Tuesday 1 May 2012

Article in News May 1, 2012

If that unexplained baldness is leaving you upset, you might want to check if you’re responsible for ‘pulling’ your hair out

Your mane is your crowning glory and you’d go to great lengths to groom it, style it and flaunt it. I mean, who doesn’t want a head full of lustrous, gorgeous hair that can be tweaked any which way for a whole new look and a bunch of admiring stares? But imagine a situation where you were forced to cover bald patches using cosmetic tricks. And all this because you have this imp­ulse to pull out your hair! Soun­ds far-fetched? Why would anyone in their right frame of mind, ever want to pull out their hair? But for several youngsters however, trichotillomania is a reality.
“Trichotillomania is an irresistible urge to pull out hair. While the reason is not known, it is known to affect people usually in their adolescence. It is also more commonly seen in women than in men,” says Dr Phani Prasant, consultant psychiatrist at Care Hospital.
“The exact reasons for this condition are not known, however, different people give different explanations. The reasons could range from the fact that the act of pulling out hair gives them pleasure to it being a way for people to relieve anxiety,” says Dr MS Reddy, psychiatrist at Asha Hospital.
Often people who suffer from trichotillomania don’t even realise that they have a problem. It is only when people around them begin to notice bald patches, do they seek help. Most often they assume that the hair loss is due to a dermatological or trichological reason and approach a skin or hair specialist. “It is only when all other reasons are ruled out, do they consider the possibility of it being trichotillomania. The condition falls in the spectrum of obsessive compulsive disorders. One of the most common patterns that we noti­ce in people with trichotillomania is that once they notice a ba­ld patch, they keep tinkering wi­th the area in a bid to make it a perfectly circular patch,” says Dr Reddy.
People with trichotillomania go to great lengths to disguise the bald patches. “They will use hair from the other side of the head to camouflage the bald patches or wear an accessory to cover it up,” says Dr Prasant.
For some people, trichotillomania may be mild and generally manageable. For others, the urge to pull hair is overwhelming and can be accompanied by distress. Some treatment options have helped many people reduce their hair pulling or stop entirely. “Fortunately, the condition is not too common in our country and we at the most see around one case in a month or two,” says Dr Prasant.
In some cases, people do tend to ingest the hair roots as well. “We’ve had cases where a person with trichotillomania eats his/her hair and ends up with a condition called trichobezoar, a condition in which a mass of hair is found trapped in the stomach, due to ingestion of hair,” says Dr Prasant.
“When it comes to treatment, trichotillomania is treated like any other compulsive disorder. The patient is recommended behaviour therapy or relaxation techniques so they can get rid of the habit. If none of this works then tricks like making them wear a cap on the affected areas or using a bandage to tie up their fingers so they cannot pull out their hair helps. While some people respond well to treatment, others do not,” says Dr Reddy.
Symptoms of trichotillomania
  • An uneven appearance to the hair
  • Bare patches or all around (diffuse) loss of hair
  • Bowel blockage (obs­tru­ction) if people eat the hair they pull out
  • Constant tugging, pulling, or twisting of hair
  • Denying the hair pulling
  • Hair regrowth that feels like stubble in the bare spots
  • Increasing sense of tension before the hair pulling
  • Other self-injury behaviors
  • Sense of relief, pleasure, or gratification after the hair pulling

Saturday 28 April 2012

How to Tell a Friend

So I think one of the hardest things to do is tell a friend you have Trich. 
Your friends are going to notice that your hair is different and they will notice your thinning spots/ bald spots.The question you have to ask yourself if you want this person to know. Do you trust them enough. Your friend is going to ask what is happening. Sometimes they don't bother asking. In my case, my friends haven't asking directly. They have asked me why I always wear a head band. If I'm no ready to tell them I simply say that I don't the way my hair looks or my hair annoys me when its down. They may not believe but most of the time they leave it at that. It's scary telling somebody about Trich. They are either going to me really supportive, ignore it or use it against you. All of these have happened to me. When I have known somebody long enough, I just simply say that the reason I wear the head band all the time is because I have Trichotillomania. Then I explain it to them. I have noticed that the more supportive friends ask questions and say I'm beautiful no matter what. I have friends who accept it and never mention it again. I have friends who always ask me how I am doing. This is hard. I know all they want to do is be there for me but it is hard explaining my progress/ set back to them when I know they don't truly understand.  I have had friends who bring it up in a terrible situation in front of me. I tell them its not the time and I talk to them about it later. They either get it or don't.  Sometimes, they stop being my friend. Don't get me wrong, it is upsetting. But at least you know who your real friends are. Some people who you thought are your friends tell other people. You tell the so called friend that you trusted them and that they broke that trust. You tell the person they told that its confidential. You hope/ pray that it more people you don't trust know.
Your real friends will love you no matter what you look like. Your real friends will support you if you don't feel comfortable in a situation. Your real friends say you look beautiful. Your real friends stare at your eyes and not at your hair. You know when they are your real friends. 
At least Trich lets you know who your real friends really are. Trich lets you know who is a good person and who is not worth your time.

TIPS

Cooking
Having my hands occupied
Deep breathing for 30 seconds
Cycling
Stop 'n Grow on my nails
Practise mindfulness to be aware of my hands
Sewing, Rug making
Stress relief techniques
Phoning my buddy
Eating
Being involved and active
Sorting my sewing box while watching TV
Dancing
Plasters on my fingertips
Taking a hot bath
Writing
Silly Putty, slime or goo
Colouring or drawing
Wet hair
Going out somewhere public
Exposure to Sunlight
Squeezing a stress ball
Playing my hypnotherapy CD
Leave in conditioner
Distraction
Signing in to the chatroom
Playing with Beanies
Working out
Keeping a diary of how I feel
Forgive past mistakes
Going outside
Free acceptance of my condition
Watching trich videos on YouTube beckie0 <3
Rubicks cubes
Soft mascara that doesn't clump
Asking for what I want.
Wearing a hat
Getting physical with my partner
Going for a walk (free)
Eating bananas
Shaving my head! (extreme I know)
Reading trich blogs - trichsterknitster <3
Record keeping
My personal Trichnotherapy coach
Staying away from people who put me down
Stroking a pet
Pairing my socks while watching TV
Studying at the library rather than home
Wearing gloves
SkyTrichster's Trichster Tool Bag
Talking to other trichsters on the forums
Not being alone
Having my brows professionally shaped
Think about people who love me for who I am
Plenty of sleep
Spinner ring to fiddle with discretely
Eat sprouted seeds & stroke them on my lips
Playing good music and dancing or singing
Numbing cream on my eyebrows reduces my urges to pull them
Throwing away the tweezers or giving them to someone to hide
Crochet or knitting, tapestry or cross stitch
Stroking a soft paintbrush or makeup brush on my skin or lips
Covering mirrors in my house or putting positive statements on them
Thinking about an event I want to look good at
Writing down how many I pull and what happened just before I pulled
Cutting out sugar, glucose caffeine and popcorn helps me be pull free
Take a shower or run my head under the tap
Wearing clear lens glasses makes me realise when I go to touch my eyes
Covering my scalp with shampoo, lotion and hair conditioner (all mixed)
False fingernails makes gripping impossible Getting a new hair cut, colour or style that I love and don't want to ruin
I only allow myself 30 mins of TV at a time. I can manage to stay pull free for 30 mins
Reading only in public - i.e. on a bench in a park.
making patterns with pins in a pin cushion, then pulling them out and starting over again.
Hand massage with oils: I don't want to get grease in my hair and it makes my fingers slippy!
Removing mascara with remover AS SOON as I get home
My best tip is to play games on a computer or phone it keeps you occupied and your fingers going
If I start picking at my mascara, I have to remove it immediately with lotion to stop me losing lashes
Getting up and doing something to take my mind off it
Claw thumb rings which are brilliant as when you put them on there is no way in the world you can pull
Hair Dryer: When my hair is freshly dyed, it is sleek and silky. No coarse bits for my hands to be attracted to.
Social networking like Facebook & Twitter Using my head massager before bed seems to be helping me to have more peaceful sleeps and prevent pulling Eating a pomegranate. It takes AGES and you can watch a whole film while picking at the seeds. Sunflower seeds also occupy the hands.
Getting up and moving about as soon as my hands go there I keep my correspondence in a box by the television so I can write cheques, pay bills and write envelopes while watching. Put a few pics of people with nice hair up in places I look at often so I can have something to aspire to
Writing down why I hate trich and why my life will be better without it
Painting my nails: I don't want to smudge it by pulling! I keep my nail polishes by the TV. Polishing my nails gives me time to refocus on something else and forget my urge
 

Thursday 26 April 2012

Research project into trich

Interesting:
Take a look (or read)
http://www.trichotillomania.co.uk/trichotillomania_research/Exploring%20the%20relationships%20between%20Trichotillomania,%20Cognitive%20Emotional%20Regulation,%20Metacognitions,%20Depression,%20Anxiety%20and%20Deficits%20in%20Attentional%20control.pdf

Boy Bald Barbie

So this bald barbie thing is bigger than I thought....
ForbesWoman
|
4/25/2012 @ 1:40PM |3,840 views

MGA's Bratz Dolls One-Up Barbie On Going Bald

There’s a difference between a true investment and a half-hearted effort. And this distinction is illustrated in the saga of the bald doll.
In January, cancer advocate Jane Bingham launched a Facebook page asking Mattel to introduce a bald version of Barbie to support children with cancer. At first, Mattel responded to Bingham with a basic form letter saying it does not accept submissions from consumers. But after the “Beautiful And Bald Barbie” movement attracted widespread attention and accumulated more than 160,000 Facebook “likes,” the toy maker announced it would produce 10,000 limited-edition bald Barbie dolls to donate exclusively to U.S. children’s hospitals.
While Bingham was pleased with this decision, she was also disappointed with the result. “They are only making 10,000 of these dolls, so only a very limited number of kids will even be able to get their hands on one,” says Bingham. “Each year, 12,000 kids are diagnosed with cancer, and no child without cancer will receive one. Plus, this limited quantity is bound to cause a high resale price. It’s basically going to be only a collector’s item.”
At the same time, Mattel competitor MGA Entertainment, maker of the Bratz Dolls, was carefully watching the saga unfold. “After hearing that Jane just received a form letter from Mattel, it gave us the green light to get involved,” says MGA’s Susan Hale. MGA approached Bingham to develop the “True Hope” collection. Under the banner, MGA is releasing three bald Bratz dolls, three bald Moxie Girlz dolls, and one bald Moxie Boyz doll. In addition, MGA is donating $1 for every doll sold to support cancer research at the City of Hope organization.
Little details matter, says Hale. All of these dolls, for instance, do not have eyebrows since most cancer patients lose theirs. Wigs are also not included with the dolls, nor are they available as separate accessories. “We want to show that you don’t have to have hair to be beautiful,” says Hale. Each doll package comes with a kid-sized beaded bracelet, in honor of young cancer patients. “Kids receive a bead every time they finish a treatment. They use their collections as a way to countdown to the end of their treatment,” says Bingham.
The True Hope collection debuts exclusively at Toys ‘R’ Us beginning June 11th. The retailer is fully supporting the bald dolls by placing the SKUs in high traffic areas, including by the cashier registers. Hale also says Toys ‘R’ Us is not switching out any of the “hair” Bratz and Moxie dolls in the toy aisle to make room for these new products. “Toys ‘R’ Us is fully on board,” says Hale. “Other retailers see [selling bald dolls] as risky, but not Toys ‘R’ Us.”
Both Bingham and MGA’s Hale make an effort to downplay any competition between the two toy makers, though it’s hard not to make the comparison. “This isn’t a situation where Bratz beats Barbie. We would love to see all doll makers offer a bald version. It’s not just Barbie. We want to see bald [Spin Master] Liv Dolls and [Mattel] American Girl dolls,” says Hale.

Tuesday 24 April 2012

'I'm Mad' by Fleming

Something that all of us with Trich can relate to:

 So very mad

I'm mad.
I'm mad that I'm judged by the lack of hair on my head.
I'm mad that I let what other people think about my appearance upset me so.
I'm mad that I let it have so much control over my life.
I'm mad that it has power over my ability to get close to people.
I'm mad at God (if there is a God) for allowing this to happen.
I'm mad that I'm terrified to have children because I don't want for them to have this horrible condition.
I'm mad that hair matters so much in society.
I'm mad that I cringe at my reflection.
I'm mad that when I hear someone say "you are pretty" that in the back of my mind a voice says "lies, lies, lies."
I'm mad at doctors and pharmaceutical companies don't recognize Trichotillomania as real medical condition.
I'm mad that I can't wear cute hair accessories. 
I'm mad that I'm ashamed of myself.
I'm mad that I have no control over this condition. 
I'm mad that I may never be considered beautiful. 
I'm mad that I may never overcome Trichotillomania.
I'm mad that I have a hard time talking about it.
I'm mad that it has to matter so much to others.
I'm mad that it matters to much to me.
I'm mad that I have a hard time being idle without doing severe damage to my appearance.
I'm mad that when I dream I have beautiful hair and when I wake up it's not there.
I'm mad that I feel like my Trich is a burden to others.
I'm mad that strangers feel they have the right to ask me about it or try to touch my head.
I'm mad that commericals for hair products bring me down a knotch.
I'm mad that I can't see myself as others see me.
I'm mad that I'm mad and I'm so very mad.

And I'm tired of being mad. I'm tired of having this anger and this frustration. I'm just tired.

A Poem By Fleming

can't hide the damage

the bathroom tile can't hide the damage.
a graveyard of those deemed unworthy to stay behind and grow full and long.

the sink and counter can't hide the damage. 
the now unwanted hair lies motionless, having been defeated by the restless hands.

the bedside floor can't hide the damage. 
the remnants of a lost battle reveal the duration of an urge which couldn't be stopped.

the driver side of the car can't hide the damage. 
the dangerous distraction shows the tangled mound of unlucky victims.

my reflection can't hide the damage. 
the shiny bald patches are a constant reminder of my lack of self control. 
my reflection can't hide the damage. it stares back at me sharing what others see. 
my reflection can't hide the damage, the damage that I have done, 
the damage I wish I couldn't see.  
http://alifewithouthair.blogspot.ca/

Monday 23 April 2012

My Thoughts on the 'Bald Barbie'

Ummm... Well does it really bring awareness to Trich?
Okay, so a little girl goes up to the toy shelf, she won't pick the bald barbie, she'll pick one with hair. No?
Which is basically reinforced by society.
I mean, the Barbie franchise has created this image of 'perfection' which girls compare themselves to. So to be having the Barbie company produce a 'Bald Barbie' is ironic.
I wonder how sales went on the Bald Barbie. I sure wouldn't want a bald barbie.
Having these feelings and knowing that girls who buy barbies probably won't want a bald barbie, is sad. It exposes us with Trich sorta negatively.

'Trich-y Buisness Blog'- Check It Out

 

I love reading this lady's blog. She is so inspirational, check her out: http://eyelashpuller.blogspot.ca/2010/07/benefit-of-trichotillomania.html

Here's one of her posts that is very positive and gives a new perceptive.

Friday, July 23, 2010

A Benefit of Trichotillomania

Sometimes we get lost in the negatives of hair pulling—the anxiety, the physical effects, the stigma of having a "disorder." But today I discovered a benefit that has come out of my years with trichotillomania.

I'm SO good with a tweezers. Like, for serious.

My friend and coworker came over to me this afternoon and said, "Do you have nails?"

"Do I have nails?" I repeated stupidly.

"Yeah, I have a splinter and my nails aren't long enough to pull it out," she explained.

Aha! thought I. I can do better than that! "It'd be better to use a tweezers," I responded triumphantly, "which I also have!"

She shut her eyes, muttering, "I can't look." In a single tweeze, I pulled out the splinter and saved the day. "That didn't even hurt!" she exclaimed.

"I'm good with a tweezers," I replied smugly. "You don't even KNOW."

Although she probably did know, because she knows about my hair pulling, but that's beside the point.

There aren't too many occasions where I can say this, but.... Trichotillomania to the rescue!!http://eyelashpuller.blogspot.ca/2010/07/benefit-of-trichotillomania.html

What An Inspiration

Check out Shelby's story here:
 http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=412148102137325&set=o.125241614790&type=1

It seems like she hasn't suffered for a long time. Which is great for her! She should be so proud that she got through this and continues to. She should be proud that she shared her story. Strong girl, that one is. Her trigger of Trich was so easily identified. If you read one of my previous posts on how I started pulling, there was no real trigger, besides Mrs. Zim. But she was just a person.

Success stories are the best. It gives though who are long sufferers hope. If she can do it, so can I.

Bald Barbie


Facebookers get Mattel to make Beautiful and Bald Barbie

by Anant Rangaswami Apr 11, 2012



It’s a big, big victory for the Facebook group ‘Beautiful and Bald Barbie’ as toy manufacturer Mattel announced that a bald Barbie would, indeed, be launched in 2013.
While the doll may not be available at all toy stores, it will be distributed in hospitals specialising in children’s cancer in the US and Canada, says the Daily Mail.
The Facebook group has over 1,50,000 likes, and has grown to become much more than a pressure group attempting to sway Mattel into announcing a Bald Barbie. The group’s page has since transformed to a platform for discussions on cancer and sharing of experiences.

Reuters
This is how it all began — a petition to Mattel. “I am formally asking Mattel to create and sell a Beautiful and Bald Barbie, with head accessories such as wigs, head wraps, scarves or hats,” supporters were requested to say to Mattel.
“Young girls who suffer from hair loss due to cancer treatments, Alopecia or Trichotillomania often feel that the loss of their hair makes them less beautiful and less like a princess. Similarly, many young girls whose mothers, sisters, aunts, etc. are loosing their hair due to illness or treatment also have trouble coping with the change. A bald Barbie would show these little girls that she can be both bald AND beautiful,” the petition said.
“I believe whole heartedly that this Barbie would bring comfort and help to children dealing with hair loss from cancer, Alopecia or Trichotillomania. I also believe that it would be a good investment for Mattel by helping make a positive change in your girls vision of what beauty is,” the petition continued.
The bald Barbie comes with all the normal accessories as any other Barbie – and a few extras. The Barbie would be “a fashion doll, that will be a friend of Barbie, which will include wigs, hats, scarves and other fashion accessories to provide girls with a traditional fashion play experience.”
For a moment, forget the grammar errors and spelling errors. Celebrate the victory that this group has won on behalf of girls suffering from cancer and affected by having a mother or a close female relative having cancer.
Well done, all — including Mattel.
http://www.firstpost.com/living/facebookers-get-mattel-to-make-beautiful-and-bald-barbie-272137.html

Friday 20 April 2012

Anxiety- What I worry about

I am so anxious all the time. I worry about everything.
I worry about going out.
I worry about what people will think of me.... will think of my hair.
I worry about if people are looking at my hair who are standing behind me.
I worry about classes, especially those that I struggle in... I worry about how much they will cause me to pull my hair.
I worry about what my friends think of me.... are they embarrassed to me my friends.
I worry about tests that cause to pull my hair.
I worry about the next day, how will my hair look? Will it be noticeable that I pulled my hair?
I worry about my parents and how much they worry about me. I worry that they notice my hair pulling and are disappointed.
I worry for weeks about public speaking- as it is just a showcase of my hair.
I worry about meeting to people and then not understanding.
I worry about what people think of me wearing a head band every day.
I worry about sweating during a sport, exposing my hair.
I worry about, during a sport, somebody accidentally rips my head band off. I don't play aggressive sports.
Rowing is my sport, but I worry about the wind and rain exposing my hair.

What does it feel like to not have to worry about these things?

Saturday 14 April 2012

9 Years

 My whole teenage life. 9 years old to 18 years old, and counting.
9 years...
    I have wore a head band.
    I have avoided swimming.
    I have avoiding taking pictures.
    I have avoided crowds.
    I've been edgy when its windy.
    I have had to spend my morning making sure my hair is perfectly placed.
    I have had people ask me why I wear a head band every day.
    I have had people talk about me.
    my parents have wished for me to stop.
    I have had a low self esteem.
    I have had no boyfriend, ashamed of my hair.
    felt ugly.
    I have stressed about formal events where there is nothing special I can do with my hair.
    I have had people stare at my hair than look into my eyes when they talk to me.
    I have not had a boyfriend, ashamed that somebody would want to be with me.
    I have not been able to be completely comfortable around my friends, there's always a point where I worry about my hair.

Friday 13 April 2012

Alone.... Rant #2?

Have you ever have that feeling of being alone?
Me. I am the only person in my school with Trichotillomania.
Nobody, although they try, don't really understand.
This is my thought process:
     Pull
       Oh No!
          Pull more.
              Not good.
                  Frustrated.
                       Continuous cycle
Another thing I have noticed I have been doing is picking my skin which is associated with Trich. I rather have scars on my face than have bald spots.

The thing is I want to understand more and I want to be able to control it!

Revenge

Revenge is against my morals. If somebody does something to me, often it's talking behind my back or poking fun at me, I would not want to seek revenge. If I have been hurt why would I want to become a monster that hurts others too. It just makes the world full of more hate. If somebody were to gossip meanly about me, why would I sink to their level. I hate gossiping. Why do people waste their time talking trash about others? Nobody is perfect and everybody has problems. We're each made for our own journey.

Having trichotillomania has let me understand this.

Tools That I have Used

These are the tools I have used over 9 years:
  • Spinner Rings- wear one every day... don't know how effective it with helping with my hair pulling but it's a comfort thing. http://store.trich.org/category_s/77.htm
  • Pickles- plastics you put on your fingers. They don't really work if you have to use a laptop regularly. http://store.trich.org/product_p/t-picklefingers.htm
  • Diary- It's nice to get all those feelings out.
  • Wearing a hat- living in a dorm I get weird looks but when I am really stressed and studying; I wear a hat. 
  • Tape- I put tape around my fingers, however it can get itchy. This usually results in me becoming frustrated.
  • Elastic- every time I am about to pull I snap myself. Occasionally works.
  • Work books- very tedious but some have good advice
  • Tensing hand for 10 seconds- however you have to be aware that you are pulling.
  • Clasp hands- again, same as above
  • Ice pack on face- I have found that coolness on my face helps. Why? I don't know!
  • Eating- Crackers, sun-flower seeds or chewing gum. Munching on something helps relieve the urge to pull. 
Will continue to add more when they come to me....

Thursday 12 April 2012

Loss of Hope

Do you ever have one of those days where you have the feeling of hopelessness. I often get those. Some days I get so overwhelmed with stress that I can't see past my thoughts.
I feel so low and helpless.
Sometimes, as selfish as it is, I feel alone; as if nobody understands me. 
I can't get over these thoughts:
          I'm ugly
          Nobody will marry me
          I'll never get over this
          I'll always be bald
          My children, if I have any, will think I'm ugly
          I'll never be successful because I have this
I'm sure any woman had these thoughts. The thing is, you can't let these thoughts control you. Personally, I have done so much. People can be cruel but sometimes they can be kind. I have overcome so many things just by simply believing that I am beautiful and that what people think doesn't matter. Doesn't mean that when I am doing things that expose me and my Trich that I don't constantly think about it. I often wonder if people are looking at my hair but I just carry on. There's never a day that does by that I don't have negative thoughts or I don't worry about my hair. It's constantly in the back of my mind. There's really nothing I can do about it but let it grow.
However, I have been blessed by being able to go to a high school with so much support and caring people. I don't know how I would survive if I didn't have these people around me. I hope that anybody who suffers from Trich has somebody. In my research and experience the shyest, kindest and quietest people have Trich. We need people to support us and stand up for us.

Wednesday 11 April 2012

Poppy

Poppy

My parents say that I was bullied by her. I think I ended up believing I was bullied by her because they said I was. I really don’t remember her saying anything horrible other then the normal pre-teen girl stuff. I mean, she used to say that I was a 'teacher’s pet'. One time, and I will never forget this, my friends and I were hanging out with her. There was this boy at our school, the only one who had a learning disability at the school. My group walked up to him and formed a circle around him, Poppy’s idea. He couldn’t get out. I don’t remember what was going through my mind. I can’t believe that I was a part of this. The teachers came out and yelled at us. We ran away. I knew I had done something horrible but they didn’t seem to care. We were in huge trouble. From then I hated Poppy. I couldn’t believe that I was lead by her to do such an act. Mrs. Zim, once again, gave me special treatment and I was had no punishment. Poppy noticed. Every now and again she said things and gave me looks. I think if I didn't have such a low self esteem I wouldn’t have reacted to it. However, I did and resulted to pulling my hair. Mrs. Zim called me out of class, my parents complained about Poppy, and told me she had told Poppy about my problem. She said that Poppy had her own problems. Now, I am furious at that woman. How dare she tell Poppy about my problem but didn’t tell me about hers. How dare she tell her and give Poppy ammunition. 

I have always remembered Poppy. Always will. She knew that I knew that she knew about my problem and used it as a threat. I couldn't think of something worse than have somebody use you problem to their advantage.