Almost A Decade

Its almost been a decade since I started pulling out my hair.

I am turning 19 and 19 here means a lot. It means I can purchase alcohol and go out to bars and clubs. It means I have more responsibility.

I should be having the time of my life, isn't that what people say about their 20's?

I shouldn't be worried or anxious about this birthday. All I am picturing is going out to these bars and clubs with all these girls around me who have their hair flowing down their backs and then me, with my large headband and bun. Those girls will be the one pursued my the boys, me, not so much. I mean I know how to live my life, I don't want my Trich stopping be from having fun. I'll have fun, but that image with always be in the back of my mind.

Its always there, knowing I look different, out of place.

I shouldn't be anger with myself for letting another year past by, I should be celebrating. I just do not feel that I deserve celebration.

I know I am privileged. I have a great life. Truly. I have the best parents, a great brother, a wonderful home, the opportunity to attend University and so much more.

And I truly am so grateful and happy that I have all this.

But no matter how much I think of how blessed I am I still feel this

hole in my heart.  

This hole is filled with empty sadness.

I can imagine the person I could be with hair, all the things I do now but I'll do them with more confidence and willingness.

It frustrates and angers me that I have let Trich beat me for 10 years.
I wake up every morning wanting so hard to beat it, but it wins.
I want this upcoming year to be different. I don't want it to control me anymore. I have to try harder. I know I haven't been trying as much as I wish I could. I know all the tricks and therapies I can be doing, I do some occasionally. I don't know why I don't use them more. I got to pull out my "bag of tools" again and start fresh.
I can to this.
I can try harder.
I got to keep

FIGHTING.