I woke up not feeling very good about myself this morning.This happens often, usually after I pulled frequently through the night. It is so hard to not to pull during the night. You really cannot control it as you're half asleep and do not realize you're even pulling. Then the next day you just feel awful, after you see the destruction you've done to your head. My bald spots haven't been this bad in a while. I have never had to wear such a thick headband, and it makes me really sad and disappointed in myself.
I am older, should I not be able to control pulling?
Should I not be trying harder...
I really don't know what I can do anymore.
It's like I have pulled for so long that the action is so integrated that its just there....
I do try. I try and use those tricks and everything but then at the moment when I am really concentrating on something else, there goes that hand to my head, pulling. Before I even realize I have pulled a fair amount out. I think I should try to break behaviour, study in different places ect. Except now I am paranoid about going into public spaces as I am very self conscious about my hair now.
It just a constant, painful cycle.
And even after all these years, I feel my parents haven't fully grasp how hard it is to JUST stop. Especially my mother. She said that when I am home for the summer WE'RE going to grow my hair and get a cute hair cut at the end of the summer.
No.I am not having my parents watch over me and comment every time my hand just touches my head.
It embarrasses me. It makes me feel constantly ashamed.
It's a terrible feeling being an adult and having your parents correct for something you don't even know how to stop yourself.
It hurts to know I am hurting them.I know they want to see me with a full head of hair. I know that is there ultimate wish. And knowing that I think makes it worse. Because I try and when I fail I have that in the back of my mind, and I feel that I have failed them.
And I would never cut my hair short. I have been bullied once for that and I cannot do that again. I know my hair looks so stupid with the thick head band and the bun made of the hair at the back of my head which is thick and long.... basically a mullet. But I can stand that... I cannot stand having short hair all around.
I am really lost now.I just want to reduce my hair pulling... and eventually stop. I feel that I need to stop, I'll be starting a career soon, getting married (?) and starting a family. But for some silly reason I can't seem to see these things happening if I don't stop pulling my hair.
And my worst fear, what if one day my hair doesn't grow back because I have damaged it beyond repair?